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EP 0091 – Narcissistic Gaslighting

It’s Not You – It’s Your Reluctance to Change

Gaslighting isn’t just a word—it’s a way of life for some people. They thrive in toxic relationships where happiness hinges on external validation. They lack self-respect, self-discipline, and self-love. They don’t love at all—they take hostages. But here’s the truth: the prison door is open. You can walk out anytime you want. The only thing holding you back is fear. It’s time to take responsibility and rediscover your self-respect.

Gaslighting often stems from the perpetrator’s own unresolved issues, but the power to lessen its effects lies within you. Changing your reactions can disrupt harmful patterns and create space for growth—not only for yourself but for those around you.

Waiting for others to change is a losing game. Instead, focus on your own personal growth and self-acceptance. These are the tools you need to navigate and neutralize toxic dynamics effectively. When you emerge on the other side, gaslighting will lose its grip on you—because you simply won’t care anymore.

If you want a better life, start by getting to know yourself—the good, the bad, and the ugly. The deeper your self-awareness, the freer you become.

They are stuck in time, and so are you. But gaslighting is no longer anyone else’s responsibility except yours. Reclaim your self-worth, break free from the cycle, and step into a life defined by authenticity and inner peace.

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EP 0090 – Lightbulb Moment In Recovery

It’s Not You—It’s Our Childhood Experiences

Growing up, many of us felt the sting of neglect and carried the silent burden of our caregivers’ unmet needs. This often molded us into perfectionists, constructing facades to ensure those around us were happy so we wouldn’t face isolation or emotional banishment. As children, we learned that our sense of worth was tied to their approval, never understanding how to feel okay with ourselves if they weren’t okay with us. As adults, we unknowingly replay these patterns in our relationships, prioritizing the love and validation of others over self-love. This realization is the true lightbulb moment.

Understanding how these childhood experiences shape our adult relationships can reveal why we sometimes drift toward isolation. Embracing the courage to let others in and reveal the parts of ourselves we’ve been taught to hide is daunting, yet liberating. The journey to vulnerability may feel terrifying, but it’s where we begin to heal and discover the power of self-belonging and self-care, mending our internal voids and building resilience against loss and rejection.

This journey isn’t just about personal growth; it’s about connecting with a community that values the risks of being seen authentically. Can fear and vulnerability actually strengthen your relationships? The answer is a resounding yes.

Self-hate and shame keep us trapped, sabotaging our relationships and keeping us from genuine connection. Most of us hesitate to let others in, afraid they’ll see beyond our polished exterior. But that mask only perpetuates our isolation. It’s time to let go of the façade and find the courage to gradually remove it, allowing ourselves to be truly seen.

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EP 0089 – Only You Can Take Away Shame (Subscription)

It’s Not You … It’s Your Shame

Let me share a bit of my story.

When I lost everything—my home, financial security, and status—I was left exposed, with no choice but to confront the shame that had always lingered beneath the surface. This rock bottom moment, though devastating, became the most transformative experience of my life.

By processing these raw emotions, I discovered how to channel overwhelming rage into manageable disappointment, which ultimately led to greater emotional freedom. It was a difficult but essential lesson: true healing and freedom come only when we acknowledge our vulnerabilities and take ownership of our emotional well-being.

The so-called ‘perfect’ life I once lived was a façade built on years of unaddressed shame and humiliation. I was caught in the cycle of chasing external validation, always believing that achieving the next milestone would finally make everything right. But each accomplishment fell short of bringing the fulfillment I craved.

I reached a point where I was broken, hopeless, and helpless. And that’s when my real journey began.

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EP 0088 – Fear Of Setting Boundaries

It’s Not You—It’s Your Lack of Boundaries

True progress in your healing journey isn’t measured by avoiding what hurt you but by how you handle returning to places that once caused you the most pain. It’s time to move beyond blame and victimhood and embrace your personal power.

The key to overcoming childhood wounds lies in understanding that your past does not control your future. Your self-worth and emotional intelligence are entirely within your hands. Healing is an internal process—one that doesn’t rely on the validation or acceptance of those who raised you.

Let’s address the emotional challenge of setting boundaries and the discomfort that comes with it. When you set boundaries, anxiety and fear often arise, but rather than turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, visualize these feelings and acknowledge them. This is the path to breaking the cycles of avoidance and shame.

By learning to self-soothe and clearly communicate your boundaries, you’ll discover how empowering it is to no longer depend on external validation. You’ll reclaim your emotional independence and break free from old patterns of relying on others to determine your worth.

Right now, an emotional battle is taking place within you—but the power to change it starts with boundaries. It’s time to reclaim your peace and take control of your emotional well-being.

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EP 0087 – Truth About Recovery

It’s not you – it’s your family system.

But it’s you, too. It’s time to talk about the necessity of weaning off external validation and learning to live a life aligned with one’s true self.

To heal, you need to do two things—learn to be okay with disappointing people and leave home emotionally. The rage that’s been building for all this time is ready to be released, and now you have to learn to live with it. All I can tell you is that your hurt, anger, and resentment hurt you, and you put way too much value in the people who raised you.

After this realization, loneliness will shine through, but you have to embrace it. If you need to find a surrogate family somewhere with somebody who’ll better mirror you, do it. You must start living your life your way and find the places important to you.

Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions? Do they not like me? What’s it going to be like when I show up? How are they going to guilt me and shame me? Then, you need to get a handle on those emotions of shame and guilt and start cutting emotional ties with toxic family systems.

It’s time to work through the impacts of generational trauma and learn the importance of developing self-love and independence. It’s time to achieve a fulfilled and authentic life built for you.

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EP 0086 – Society Has Failed Us (Subscription)

It’s essential to connect with buried emotions to achieve deep emotional healing. I once went through a tough time when my partner was tragically hit by a car. This incident led me to relapse into addiction and adopt self-destructive behaviors to avoid confronting my pain. I hit rock bottom. A friend suggested a movie that resonated with my experience. Despite my initial resistance, I eventually watched the film, and it helped me confront my emotions, crucial for my healing. Each time I watched the movie, it lessened the pain, allowing me to grieve and process the loss.

Recently, I watched a documentary about an eight-year-old boy named Gabriel, who suffered severe abuse from his mother and her boyfriend. His story deeply affected me, especially when he expressed his desire to be loved despite the abuse he endured. This reminded me of my own painful childhood and the universal need for parental love, even from abusive caregivers. It brought me back to my own unresolved pain and emphasized the importance of addressing these deep-seated emotional issues.

For years, I sought approval and love from my family, but I realized that I needed to focus on my own healing and detach from their expectations. We must acknowledge that the love and validation we seek from our caregivers may never come in the way we desire. It’s our responsibility to work through our unresolved pain and unmet needs from childhood.

The documentary about Gabriel served as a poignant reminder of the importance of addressing these emotional issues. It took me back to my dark places that needed healing. Despite the sadness and pain, it helped me work through aspects of myself I hadn’t fully addressed. Embracing this pain is crucial for genuine healing. Gabriel’s story, although tragic, has shed light on these dark places within many of us, offering an opportunity for healing and growth.

Living authentically and focusing on what truly matters, rather than seeking societal validation, has been a significant part of my journey. I’ve realized that success measures like social media popularity or material wealth don’t bring true happiness. Instead, creating a small, peaceful, and authentic life based on my values has brought me the most fulfillment. By doing so, I’ve built a world that reflects my true self, free from societal pressures.

Ultimately, healing involves taking responsibility for our own happiness, working through unresolved pain, and living authentically. It’s about creating a life that feels right for us, not one that meets external expectations. This journey isn’t easy, but it’s necessary for finding true peace and fulfillment.

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Episode 0085 – Why We Choose Toxic Relationships

The Dynamics of Toxic Relationships

In the most recent episode of It’s Not You, It’s Your Trauma, Joe Ryan delves into toxic relationships, characterized by emotional unavailability, abuse, and neglect. These often mirror the dynamics experienced in our early years.

Key Insights from This Episode:

Origins of Toxic Relationships: Joe examines why individuals enter and remain in toxic relationships. He explains that childhood experiences with emotionally unavailable or narcissistic parents lay the groundwork for our adult relationships. As children, we learn to neglect ourselves and prioritize the emotional needs of our caretakers in hopes of earning their love and approval. This pattern often continues into adulthood, where we attempt to “fix” our partners as an unconscious effort to heal our childhood wounds.

Comfort in Familiar Pain: Joe highlights the tendency to find comfort in familiar pain. Toxic relationships, despite their damaging nature, feel normal because they replicate the dynamics we grew up with. Being with someone who genuinely cares for and nurtures us may be intimidating because it challenges our deeply ingrained beliefs about our worth and value.

Building Self-Esteem: The key to breaking free from these patterns lies in building self-esteem and learning to value ourselves independently of others. Joe emphasizes the importance of recognizing our worth and establishing boundaries.

Emotional Independence: Joe discusses the significance of emotional independence. He urges his audience to imagine leaving a toxic relationship and acknowledge the fear and panic that arise. These emotions are rooted in childhood survival instincts. As children, maintaining an emotional connection with our caregivers was vital for survival, regardless of the harm it caused. In adulthood, leaving a toxic partner can feel like a life-or-death situation because it triggers these same survival instincts.

Making Better Choices: Joe encourages making better choices in the present to genuinely heal and move forward. This involves recognizing our worth, establishing boundaries, and seeking healthy, supportive relationships. He reminds us that although the healing journey is challenging, it is ultimately rewarding.

Understanding and healing our past can create a future filled with healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Tune in to this episode for a deeper exploration of toxic relationships and practical advice on breaking free from their damaging patterns.

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Episode 0084 – Getting Intouch With Anger (Subscription)

Understanding and Addressing Unmet Childhood Needs

Children’s developmental needs must be fulfilled during childhood to grow into well-adjusted adults. When these needs aren’t met, we may feel unfulfilled and struggle to identify and ask for what we truly need. It’s essential to embrace and work through both positive and negative emotions to foster healthy development.

The Impact of Unmet Emotional Needs

Emotional Development Stages: As we grow, we follow specific emotional paths. However, if certain emotions are denied during childhood, we can become emotionally stuck at that age. For instance, the “terrible twos” is a critical stage where a child begins to realize their independence from their parents. It’s a period of unconscious emotional growth, and if a child is not allowed to express their anger or assert their independence, they become emotionally stuck at that point.

Coping Mechanisms: When children are not allowed to express their emotions, they often develop coping mechanisms such as people-pleasing or withdrawing to avoid confronting these suppressed emotions. These mechanisms can persist into adulthood, leading to a lifetime of self-abandonment and prioritizing the needs of others over our own.

The Role of Fear and Shame

Emotional Suppression: Fear and shame surrounding unaccepted emotions can significantly impact our ability to express ourselves. If these feelings and emotions were suppressed during childhood, we might struggle with them later in life, developing fear and shame around expressing our true feelings.

Long-Term Effects: This emotional suppression can lead to chronic self-neglect and an inability to meet our own needs. It often results in a cycle of self-abandonment, where we continuously try to meet the needs of others while neglecting our own.

Breaking the Cycle

Acknowledgment and Acceptance: To break free from this cycle, it’s crucial to acknowledge and accept all of our emotions, both positive and negative. Embracing these emotions allows us to move past the coping mechanisms developed in childhood and start to meet our own needs.

Emotional Growth: By working through these emotions, we can overcome the fear and shame associated with them. This process involves understanding the root causes of our emotional struggles and learning to express ourselves in a healthy and constructive manner.

Healthy Relationships: Ultimately, addressing and fulfilling our emotional needs helps us form healthier relationships with ourselves and others. It empowers us to set boundaries, assert our independence, and live authentically.

Conclusion: Fulfilling children’s developmental needs is crucial for their emotional well-being. When these needs are unmet, it’s essential to work through the resulting emotions and coping mechanisms to achieve emotional growth and develop healthier relationships in adulthood. By addressing these issues, we can move past fear and shame, embrace our true selves, and live fulfilling lives.

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Episode 0083 – Anger Is About A Want

Understanding and Addressing Anger, Hate, and Self-Hate

Anger and hate often stem from unmet needs. When we feel angry, it’s typically because we want something that we’re not getting. Similarly, when we feel hate, it’s due to deep needs that are not being met, and we’re struggling to deal with the resulting emotions.

The Root of Self-Hate

Feelings of Helplessness: Self-hate is a common issue many people face, and it can be very challenging to overcome. Often, we hate ourselves because we feel helpless and stuck, unable to change our situation. This is particularly difficult if we were raised in an environment where independence and self-care were not encouraged.

Identifying Unmet Needs: To address self-hate, it’s crucial to identify our unmet needs and start taking steps to fulfill them. This can be difficult, especially if we’ve never learned how to do this before. However, understanding and acknowledging these needs is the first step towards healing.

Shifting Perspectives

From Self-Hate to Anger: Shifting our focus from self-hate to feeling angry at those who have hurt us can be a helpful step in the healing process. It allows us to recognize the external sources of our pain rather than internalizing it. However, it’s important not to get stuck in feelings of anger and hate towards others.

Balancing Emotions: While it’s essential to process and express anger, we must also work towards understanding ourselves and taking responsibility for our well-being. This involves moving past anger and hate and focusing on personal growth and healing.

Taking Responsibility for Well-Being

Making Difficult Decisions: The journey towards self-fulfillment and well-being can involve making difficult decisions, such as cutting toxic people out of our lives or disappointing others by prioritizing our needs. It’s important to remember that we are responsible for our happiness and well-being.

Self-Reliance: We must learn how to meet our own needs and stop depending on others for validation and support. This process can be lonely at times, but staying committed to our growth and healing is crucial.

Steps to Overcome Self-Hate

1. Acknowledge and Identify Needs:
   • Recognize the unmet needs that are causing feelings of anger, hate, or self-hate.
   • Understand that these feelings are valid and important signals.
2. Shift Focus:
   • Move from self-hate to anger towards those who have hurt you, if it helps you understand the source of your pain.
   • Use this anger as a stepping stone, not a destination.
3. Take Responsibility:
   • Accept that you are responsible for your own well-being and happiness.
   • Make decisions that prioritize your needs, even if they are difficult.
4. Seek Independence:
   • Learn to meet your own needs and build self-reliance.
   • Develop skills and strategies to care for yourself emotionally and physically.
5. Commit to Growth:
   • Stay committed to your personal growth and healing, even when the process is challenging or lonely.
   • Remember that this journey is about creating a fulfilling and authentic life for yourself.

By understanding the roots of anger and hate and taking proactive steps to address unmet needs, we can move towards a healthier, more fulfilling life. Overcoming self-hate requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to personal growth.

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Episode 0082 – Shame and Self Judgment

Overcoming the Burden of a Shame-Based Family System

Growing up in a shame-based family system can have profound and lasting effects. These environments are often harsh and judgmental, exposing children to criticism and verbal attacks for not conforming to family norms. This early exposure to negativity can weigh heavily on individuals, leading to a pervasive sense of shame.

The Nature of Shame in Family Systems

Shame as a Defense Mechanism: Shame often acts as a shield, protecting us from pain and neglect. However, it is also a heavy burden that hinders our emotional growth and well-being.

Critical and Judgmental Environments: In shame-based family systems, children are frequently subjected to criticism. The family’s harsh judgments create an environment where deviations from the norm are met with disapproval.

Internalizing Negative Feedback: Children internalize their negative feedback, leading to a harsh inner critic. This internal voice constantly judges and criticizes, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred.

The Impact of Shame

Perfectionism: Those raised in shame-based systems often strive for perfection to avoid judgment. This relentless pursuit of flawlessness is rooted in a desire to shield oneself from criticism and shame.

Fear of Judgment: Shame thrives in secrecy. We fear being judged by others, so we hide our true selves and attempt to present a perfect façade. This can make us feel like we are under constant scrutiny, similar to a celebrity without the fame.

Living a Lie: Many people spend their lives trying to fit into a mold created by their family, believing they are defective or broken because they don’t fit in. This leads to living a life that is not truly their own, driven by the need to conform to someone else’s ideals.

Breaking Free from Shame

Embracing Authenticity: The key to overcoming the burden of a shame-based family system is to embrace authenticity. Being true to oneself is more important than fitting into someone else’s mold.

Recognizing Internal Criticism: Acknowledging the harsh inner critic is the first step towards healing. Understand that these critical voices are not your own but are echoes of past criticisms.

Building a Supportive Environment: Surround yourself with people who accept and support you for who you are. Positive and affirming relationships can counteract the negative messages ingrained from a shame-based upbringing.

Challenging Perfectionism: Understand that perfectionism is a response to shame. Allow yourself to make mistakes and be imperfect. This can be liberating and help reduce the power of shame.

Living Your Own Life: Reject the false ideals imposed by your family and start living according to your own values and desires. This shift can be challenging but is crucial for personal fulfillment and happiness.

Steps to Healing from a Shame-Based System

1. Acknowledge the Impact:
   • Recognize how growing up in a shame-based family system has affected you. This awareness is the foundation for change.
2. Identify Negative Patterns:
   • Notice when you are being overly critical of yourself or striving for perfection. These patterns are often rooted in shame.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion:
   • Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. This helps counteract the harsh self-criticism.
4. Seek Therapy or Support:
   • Professional help can provide valuable tools and strategies for overcoming the effects of a shame-based upbringing.
5. Set Boundaries:
   • Establish clear boundaries with family members who continue to perpetuate shame. Protect your emotional well-being.
6. Celebrate Authenticity:
   • Take pride in living authentically. Celebrate your unique qualities and the courage it takes to be true to yourself.

By understanding and addressing the roots of shame, you can begin to free yourself from its burden. Embracing authenticity and rejecting the unrealistic ideals imposed by others allows you to live a more fulfilling and genuine life.

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