It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma
EP 0087 – Truths About Recovery
It’s Not You – It’s Your Family Supply Role
You’ve been trained since childhood to regulate everyone else while abandoning yourself completely. The brutal reality of recovery is that real freedom only arrives when you stop being their emotional supply, learn to disappoint them without apology, and emotionally leave home for good. No amount of understanding, talking, or wishing will substitute for the painful, lonely work of actually doing it.
The Core Demand: Emotionally Leave Home
Recovery requires you to grow up the terrified child inside who still craves parental approval and safety. That means separating emotionally from the family system that raised you. You stop calling five times a week, stop showing up out of obligation, stop letting their opinion dictate your worth. You were their supply—your shine kept them from feeling their shame. Now you must cut that cord. Their needs are no longer more important than yours. This isn’t about hating them; it’s about refusing to stay small so they can stay comfortable. The family system is safe, predictable, and toxic because it demands you follow the script forever—no spontaneity, no real choice, no authentic life.
Why You Resist So Fiercely
You resist because disappointing them triggers unbearable shame and self-hate. That feeling lives in your body like a death sentence. Anger was never allowed—so you have none to protect you, no boundaries, no power. The moment you pull back, the old programming floods in: you’re selfish, ungrateful, bad. Memories of punishment, rejection, or silence when you tried to be yourself keep you frozen. You’re terrified of their anger, their guilt trips, their disappointment. So you stay addicted to pleasing them, because the alternative feels like annihilation. Staying enmeshed feels safer than facing the terror of standing alone.
The Devastating Price of Staying Plugged In
Avoidance creates a half-life. You live scripted, performing the role you were handed. External fixes—relationships, substances, achievements—temporarily numb the emptiness, but they collapse because nothing outside can fill what you refuse to claim inside. Codependency rules: you abandon yourself to keep them regulated, then wonder why you feel depleted and resentful. Your potential stays trapped. Joy, freedom, real connection—all sacrificed to avoid their upset. You remain a hostage to their opinion, living small so they don’t feel their own abandonment.
The Transformation Waiting on the Other Side
When you tolerate the guilt, shame, and rage—when you stop showing up as their regulator—space finally opens. Self-hate quiets because you stop betraying yourself. Regulation comes from within. You make conscious choices instead of trauma-driven ones. You walk taller, laugh off their digs, feel genuine pride. Relationships shift—not because they change, but because you no longer need their validation. You become capable of authentic love instead of hostage dynamics.
How to Begin
Start tiny. Cut one call short. Skip one visit. Feel the shame rise in your gut, the fear in your chest—don’t escape into thought spirals about what they think. Return to the body sensations again and again. Build tolerance slowly. No shortcuts. No external savior—partner, money, success—will fix this. It’s yours to do, and it hurts. But the suffering is the doorway to freedom.
Three Important Takeaways
- You must emotionally leave home and stop being your family’s supply—staying enmeshed keeps you scripted and small forever.
- Anger is essential; without it you have no boundaries, no protection, and you remain terrified of disapproval and disappointment.
- Recovery is lonely, slow, painful, and requires you to invest in yourself—no one else can do it, but the result is real pride, freedom, and authentic living.
Conclusion
Stop scrolling, listening, and hoping insight will magically heal you. The work lives in your body—in every moment you choose yourself despite the shame, every time you feel the discomfort without running, every no you say without apology. Leave home emotionally. Claim your anger. Build your life. Freedom isn’t comfortable, but it’s the only thing worth the pain. Stop waiting. Start now.
