EP 0097 – Anger and Resentments Are Gifts

In this episode of It’s Not You, It’s Your Trauma, Joe Ryan explores how anger, resentment, and overreactions are powerful signals for healing rather than problems to suppress or outsource. He explains that unresolved anger from childhood—when we weren’t allowed to express it—gets buried inside, turning into self-hate, people-pleasing, codependency, or explosive outbursts. Anger is our natural protector and source of power; without a healthy relationship to it, we become doormats or remain stuck in victim mode, giving others control over our emotional state. When triggered, the real question isn’t “Why did they do this?” but “What vulnerable part of me am I protecting with this anger?” Joe emphasizes that seeking apologies, changes, or validation from the person who triggered us only hands them more power and keeps us helpless.

The episode stresses that anger often masks deeper hurt from past neglect, abuse, or betrayal (especially from caregivers). Blaming others or cycling through walls, passive-aggression, and reconciliation repeats the pattern endlessly. True freedom comes from going inward: processing the old anger toward those who hurt us, without needing them to change or apologize. Joe shares his own journey—leaving his family to resolve deep resentment, then slowly re-entering with healthier boundaries—showing how resolving anger internally leads to emotional freedom, reduced fear of rejection, and the ability to be present without walls or reactivity.

Joe also addresses the flip sides of dysfunction: narcissistic control vs. empathic self-sacrifice—both are selfish attempts to avoid abandonment and prove worth, rooted in the same childhood wounds. Healing requires building self-soothing skills, setting healthy boundaries, pursuing joy, and feeding your own soul rather than desperately seeking external mirrors. Triggers become gifts pointing to what needs attention.

Ultimately, Joe reminds listeners: the person who must see, value, and protect you is you. Get in touch with your anger, resolve the old hurts, forgive yourself for past patterns, and step into conscious, boundary-strong living. The work is tough but liberating—your emotional freedom depends on it.