It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma
EP 0083 – Anger Is About A Want
It’s Not You – It’s Your Wants Hidden In Anger
Anger isn’t the enemy—it’s a signal. Every flash of rage, every wave of self-hate points straight to something you desperately want or need but never learned how to claim for yourself. The brutal truth: you can stay stuck blaming yourself forever or hating your abusers forever, but neither path gives you freedom. Real healing demands you feel the anger, use it to shift direction, then move through it to meet your own damn needs.
Anger Always Points to a Want
Anger is never random. It’s about a want. Hate runs deeper—it’s tied to core needs that went unmet, usually touching childhood wounds where you were forced to abandon yourself to survive. Self-hate keeps you small and familiar in the victim role because showing up for yourself felt dangerous and forbidden back then. The anger at yourself is fury that you’re still not protecting, advocating, or providing for that helpless kid inside. When the want stays unmet, the rage stays on autopilot.
Why You Stay Stuck in Self-Hate or Endless Blame
It’s terrifying to turn the anger outward toward the people who actually caused the damage. Self-hate feels safer—it’s what you know. Directing rage at abusers means confronting the terror that they still hold power, that you’re still that small child waiting for punishment. You avoid the shift because feeling that original helplessness, fear, and betrayal in your body is excruciating. So you keep the anger turned inward or you freeze in resentment, both of which keep you emotionally tethered to the very people who hurt you.
The Crushing Price of Never Resolving It
Stay in self-hate and you remain your own jailer—constantly performing, people-pleasing, betraying yourself to keep others comfortable while you quietly despise who you’ve become. Stay stuck hating them and you’re still giving them your energy, your attention, your aliveness. You build walls that block joy as much as pain. Addictions, codependency, perfectionism, and endless rumination become the only ways to manage the pressure. Life shrinks. Freedom disappears. You’re left waiting for the next explosion, never truly present.
What Becomes Possible When You Work Through It
Shift the anger off yourself and onto them for a while—use it to set boundaries, create distance, protect space. That space lets you finally treat yourself with the care no one ever modeled. Meet your own needs. Parent that wounded child. The rage slowly quiets as your worth no longer depends on their crumbs. You stop needing their validation to feel safe in the world. Choices open up. Triggers lose their grip. You can stand in the same room with them and feel nothing more than mild indifference. The hate fades because it’s no longer needed for protection.
How to Begin
Start small. Next time anger flares, pause. Ask: What do I want right now? What need is screaming underneath? Feel it in your body instead of escaping into thought, blame, or distraction. Notice when you want to numb, perform, or lash out—and gently return to sensation. Build tolerance one minute at a time. No shortcuts. No one else can do this for you. No partner, no success, no apology will fill what only you can give.
Three Important Takeaways
- Anger always signals a want; hate signals a deep unmet need—both are invitations to stop abandoning yourself.
- Shifting anger from self to abusers creates temporary space to heal, but staying stuck in either direction keeps you enslaved.
- True freedom comes when you meet your own needs, drop the walls, and no longer need anyone’s permission to feel worthy.
Conclusion
Stop consuming endless episodes and start doing the work. Anger and hate aren’t problems to fix—they’re messengers. Listen. Feel. Act. The only way out is through, and no one is coming to save you from that discomfort. But on the other side is a life where you finally like who you see in the mirror, where you trust yourself more than you fear anyone else, and where rage no longer runs the show. You’ve got everything you need to begin. Right now. Stop waiting.
