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Episode 0069 – Origin Of The False Self
In this insightful episode, Joe Ryan delves into the concept of the “false self” and its origin, emphasizing its development during the early stages of childhood, around 24 months, a period he refers to as the “psychological birth.” At this stage, children begin to realize their separation from their parents or caregivers and start seeking their own identity.
Early Childhood and the False Self
Joe makes bold statements regarding how children are supported—or not—in their early efforts to establish boundaries and independence. He explores how these early interactions can shape a child’s self-identity and set the stage for either a true or false self.
Key Points Discussed in This Episode
- Temper Tantrums and Independence
- Temper Tantrums: Joe discusses how children’s temper tantrums are often seen by parents and other adults as unruly behavior. However, he explains that these outbursts are among the first attempts by children to assert their independence and separate themselves from their caregivers.
- Parental Responses: The episode examines the conundrum parents face in these moments, often trying to mold the child into their desired behavior instead of supporting the child’s budding independence.
- Self-Identity and Parental Imposition
- Imposing Parental Ways: Joe highlights the struggle children face when trying to form their self-identity while parents impose their rules and expectations. This can bind children to a “box” of family rules, stifling their individuality.
- False Self Formation: Fear of rejection and the need to stay in their parents’ good graces can lead children to form a false self, becoming what their parents need them to be rather than who they truly are.
- Emotional Dependency and Boundaries
- Emotional Dependency: Joe discusses how parents, consciously or unconsciously, can make children emotionally dependent on them to fill voids in their own lives. This dependency can enslave children to their parents’ desires and self-worth.
- Breaking the Chains: He emphasizes the importance of breaking these chains by going against the family system’s beliefs and setting personal boundaries.
- Dismantling the False Self
- Setting Boundaries: Joe talks about the necessity of creating boundaries within the family to help children develop their own rules and survive in the real world on their terms.
- Positive Mirroring: Finding positive mirroring faces—people who validate and support our feelings and decisions—is crucial in helping us not feel bad about ourselves.
- Aloneness Without Shame: Learning that being alone shouldn’t feel shameful is a significant step in dismantling the false self and developing true independence.
Building Independence and Self-Trust
This episode provides powerful insights into developing one’s independence and validating one’s feelings and instincts. Joe emphasizes that belonging to oneself and engaging in activities that bring joy can expand and fulfill one’s world.
Episode Takeaways
- Support Early Independence: Encourage and support children’s early attempts at independence, recognizing temper tantrums as a natural part of this process.
- Validate Individuality: Help children form their own identities by validating their feelings and decisions, rather than imposing family expectations.
- Set Personal Boundaries: Teach children to set personal boundaries and make their own decisions, fostering confidence and self-trust.
- Seek Positive Support: Surround yourself with supportive individuals who positively mirror your feelings and decisions.
- Embrace Solitude: Learn to be comfortable with being alone, understanding that it shouldn’t be associated with shame.
Tune into this episode for a comprehensive exploration of the false self’s development and practical advice on fostering true independence and self-acceptance. Joe Ryan’s insights will empower you to break free from the constraints of familial expectations and build a life that is authentically your own.
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