EP 0037 – Humiliation

EP 0037 – Humiliation

It’s Not You – It’s Your Armor of Self-Abuse

In the quiet aftermath of yet another collapse, one man uncovers the brutal truth: the deepest wounds aren’t inflicted by others but by the relentless ways we punish ourselves first, turning humiliation into a lifelong shield that slowly suffocates every chance at real connection and peace.

The Roots of Addiction and Ritual Defense
The speaker describes a lifelong pattern of addictive tendencies that extend beyond substances to relationships, television, and routines. From childhood, intense fear and unwanted emotions led to obsessive-compulsive rituals, tapping, arranging objects precisely, and carefully steering conversations to avoid conflict. Discovering alcohol brought immediate relief by quieting an always-on nervous system, yet each layer of defense—people-pleasing, codependency, substances—gradually shrank life until authentic self-expression felt impossible.

Self-Inflicted Pain as Protection
A core revelation emerges: the speaker deliberately hurt himself worse than anyone else could, beating himself up emotionally to rob external humiliation of its power. This self-sabotage, self-hate, and victim mindset offered a twisted sense of control—if the pain came from within, it could be managed. Humiliation and abandonment stand as the deepest triggers, driving constant guarding against exposure, shame spirals, and an inability to tolerate needs without self-punishment.

Breaking the Cycle Through Grief and Awareness
Peeling away layers reveals that true healing requires grieving accumulated losses rather than pushing them aside. The speaker recounts closing off from joy to avoid future pain, then slowly processing decades of unacknowledged grief. Recent openness led to hurt, yet with enough internal space created through emotional work, the familiar spiral into worthlessness no longer took hold. Processing core wounds quiets the nervous system, reduces reactivity, and opens access to an inner source of love.

Three Important Takeaways

• Self-inflicted pain often serves as a preemptive defense mechanism to lessen the impact of external humiliation and abandonment, but it ultimately blocks authentic living and self-acceptance.
• Healing demands grieving past losses fully instead of numbing or bypassing them, creating emotional capacity to handle present pain without collapse.
• Core triggers like humiliation and abandonment fuel addictions, codependency, and hypervigilance; addressing them directly calms the nervous system and reveals an underlying source of self-love.

Conclusion
The journey from layers of defense to raw vulnerability is grueling yet liberating. By owning the truth of past wounds, sitting with the associated feelings, and refusing to let shame dictate responses, it becomes possible to stop self-abuse, tolerate needs, and rebuild internal safety. The work uncovers not just pain but an endless well of love beneath it—proof that this one life can still hold genuine connection and peace when the armor finally comes off.