EP 0026 – Enmeshed Family System

Joe Ryan dives into the family system today on It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma, and specifically the circle you are born into–where everyone in the family shares their emotions. Sounds simple…but it’s not. In a dysfunctional family dynamic, the shame is off the charts. Most members of the family will battle with feeling shameful, but the one who feels shameless controls the emotions the rest of the family feels.

You’ve heard of the scapegoat. In a shame-filled unit, the scapegoat doesn’t feel free to feel. They struggle with shame in everything they do and every way they feel. They don’t get to feel justified in their anger, sadness, depression, and even feelings of sexuality, because everything is covered in shame. In Joe’s case, that led to addiction, and eventual separation from the circle so he could be the person he needed to be without being a people pleaser.

Takeaways from It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma:

  1. Joe explains why the shame cycle and dynamic exists and how to get free of it.
  2. He talks about the prospect of separating from your circle and when it might be time to make a break.
  3. You’ll learn how to recognize if you are giving yourself shame-filled messages.

You can’t think your way out of shame. You can’t outfox it. You can’t deny it. You have to address it and figure out the best solution for you. It’s exhausting being denied emotions–being allowed only a certain level of happiness based on the person controlling the rest of the people in the circle. It’s damaging, feeling like you have to fight to be heard. And it’s so unhealthy.

Are you in the place where you can leave judgment behind once and for all? Well, here’s a bright spot. If you leave your family, it doesn’t mean it’s forever. It might be just long enough to find yourself, and stand on your own, so you are strong enough to reject the usual dynamics that want to tear you down.

Leaving for Joe, meant he got himself back. He could feel again and no one was going to tell him what he should or shouldn’t care about.

You’re ready to feel all the feelings. It’s what you’ve wanted.

This episode of It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma puts you on the right track to finally healing those genetic elements you haven’t known how to handle. Is this your first step to reclaiming your life? It just might be.

Tune in every week to the It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma: A Trauma, PTSD, Abuse, Anxiety & Recovery podcast. Listen in wherever podcasts are available and make sure to follow Joe on Instagram @joeryan. He’d dig it if you’d leave him a review on iTunes, too.

We’ll see you next week to face your feelings and move from surviving to thriving and into the ultimate goal: teaching. Thanks for listening. And remember if you’re struggling, It’s Not You; It’s Your Trauma.

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